So, in my life, I am going to write a book and get it published. This is the beginning...probably. I wrote this a little over a year ago. It is pretty much the introduction for any real conversation I could have with anyone about life.
March 12, 2007
I don’t even know where to begin. Inside of me, I need to feel free. I have a burning desire to just leave. But not leave to get away; rather leave to get somewhere new. To discover. To find. To be free. Every time I go to the Caribbean, I feel a peace. A peace because the passage of time means nothing there. There are not expectations. Life just is. I don’t want to live my life without purpose. That is not what I am saying. But I want to live my life differently. I don’t want the cookie cutter life where I go to school for 4 years of college, perhaps get my masters, get a good job, get married and have two children, live in the same house, be involved in mother’s groups and book clubs and retire at 65. I want my life to be filled. I want to know that every minute means something, but at the same time every minute doesn’t have to even contain anything that one would deem important. I want to go to Africa and spend time with the people there. I want to get in a car with a friend and drive west until we can’t go any farther and who cares how long it takes. I want to backpack across Europe. I want to live on an island. Better yet, I want to live on a boat. I don’t really know how to completely explain this feeling inside. I just long for the fulfillment that so many never find. I long for that spiritually as well. So many people are caught up in rules and rituals of Western Christianity that they never ever experience the beauty of living a free Christian life where the thing that matters is your relationship with your Creator rather than the things you do. I am so frustrated with the mundane occasionally fun lives that we are expected to live when there is so much MORE. And I won’t settle. I won’t just build dreams and then realize that I can’t do anything about them. I will do it. I will go. I will live. When I do settle down, which I know I will, and I want to—to an extent, I want to live out west. I want land that I can’t see the end of. I want to marry a man who wants the same thing. Who wants to live out this freedom with me. I guess that’s why I have always had a thing for cowboys, because I see in them that desire to go, to leave, to be free and live. They won’t stay and conform. No, I don’t have to marry a cowboy, but yes, I have to marry someone who has the spirit of freedom and adventure. I feel so overwhelmed right now with this dream of being more.
