and so begins a new school year--without me.

For the past 17 years of my life, each August has brought with it a new school year, new classes, new friends and new books.

This year, for the first time in my life since I was four years old, I will not be starting a new school year. I didn't have a summer vacation and I am not on campus to complain about all the freshman who don't realize that you should probably look both ways before crossing the road.

I have to say that all this leaves me feeling a bit strange. There is nothing in my life providing me with the structure and purpose that school always had. I am employed, but I work from home on my own schedule, which sounds like it would be nice, and at times it is, but it's also weird. I miss the excitement of meeting new friends. I long for a reason to purchase new pens and folders and organize everything for my classes. I know you have every reason to think I am a total geek right now. And you would be right. And in about 2 months when everyone is taking mid-terms and turning in papers, I might be singing a different tune and more than happy for my education to be reading a novel in a coffee shop rather than researching for my honors thesis.

Right now, though, I just can't stop feeling nostalgic that there is a strong possibility that I will never go to school again.

rain.

It's been raining a lot lately here in the Queen City. I have to say, there are not many things quite as great as southern thunderstorms. I love the way the gray clouds roll in filling the sky, the leaves on the trees turn over so the lighter side is more visible, the air gets this wonderful smell, the breeze picks up and the impending doom of the storm to come can last for hours before the heavens finally break loose with their full fury.

A few days ago, one of these storms had been brewing all morning and afternoon. The sound of thunder was getting louder and more frequent and I could see lightning in the distance. I knew it would not be long before the storm was upon us. I decided to sit on the front porch and wait for it.

As the first drops began to fall with intensity I continued to wait until the deluge came. Sure enough, within minutes, you could barely see all the way up the street for the sheets of water pouring forth from those dark clouds. So then I did exactly what I had been waiting to do and I walked out in the rain. And then I ran through our front yard up to the street, splashed through the water pouring down the gutters and held up my hands toward the sky and just let the rain drench me.

I love the rain. I love being the rain. The way this water just pours out of the sky and washes over me. I feel like it's touching more than my body, but my soul too. I feel like the rain washes things away that are inside of me that no amount of showering could even touch. I feel like the God is in the rain. There are parts of God's creation that just make me feel so close to Him. It's like that with the mountains, and especially the ocean. And the rain.

But the rain and the feelings it stirs in my soul, only make me long to have a time like that with Jesus. Where I can just bask in His presence and have his power and love wash over my soul and make me feel refreshed and clean. Nothing can compare to that. Not even a Carolina thunderstorm.

A Mary in a Martha World

A Mary in a Martha World

Wait…is that the name of a book?

Luke 10:38-42 –

38 Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. 39 And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. 40 But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me." 41 But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, 42 but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."

You know how you can read one passage of scripture a thousand times in your life and then still get something new out of it? That’s the amazing thing about God’s word—it doesn’t return void.

To be honest, I often find myself being a Martha. I am running around with a million things to do—none of them bad, necessarily, but it’s all just stuff. But, in my heart, I am a Mary. The only time I am truly happy and content is when I am able to pull away from the distractions that make up our lives and bask in the presence of Jesus.

I think Jesus’ love language is quality time. He makes it so clear how much he wants us to stop and just be with him. That is the reality of what worship is—just spending time with God, loving Him.

At times I feel a bit frustrated with myself because I can’t seem to be satisfied with any job I get—its never fulfilling enough. I brush it off and just say I’m a free spirit and wanderlust and can’t handle the monotony of a traditional job. The reality behind those words is that I want to spend my life like a Mary, at the feet of Jesus, serving Him, loving Him through all I do. There’s a time to be a Martha. There has to be. Things need to get done. But being a Mary is so much more fun.

living life loving others.

I've really been thinking a lot lately about the reality of living for God and others. Thinking about myself and my needs is so natural that I barely realize I am doing it, but I do--most of us do--all the time. We are constantly encouraged to "do what's best for you" and "you have to take care of yourself" and while there is some truth in these statements, it is part of our human nature to do these things and we need to focus on serving and giving and dying to ourselves.

I wrote that on my hand--Die to yourself--this week. I want to make it my goal to consciously make my decisions based on Jesus and his love for people. It's tough. But when you are able to give and serve and love, it is so unbelievably refreshing.

I spent the greater part of last year struggling in my relationship with Jesus and in my life in general. I was down and frustrated with the Lord and myself and had a really difficult time. These feelings caused me to wake up every morning thinking about how I could feel better. I lived each day thinking about what lifted my spirits and made me comfortable. I went from enjoying life, loving it because it's a gift from God and making the most of it, to using it. Basically, I made life a prostitute and sought merely to get out of it whatever I could that would make me feel good without giving anything meaningful in return. Using life in that way made it so much less good on so many levels. Honestly, I really don't fully understand the complexity of why this happened in my heart and mind, but it did. While it wasn't good, I have learned so much from that time about how living life for me just plain sucks.

"And I think that's what our world is desperately in need of - lovers, people who are building deep, genuine relationships with fellow strugglers along the way, and who actually know the faces of the people behind the issues they are concerned about."
— Shane Claiborne

Justice for all.

I went to convocation at Liberty today for the first time this semester. It feels funny sometimes going to events for students now that I'm graduated, but it's nice to go back for things like convo sometimes because it reminds me of the things I loved about Liberty. Sitting in the Vines Center with thousands of college kids from all of the United States, and for that matter, all over the world, as we unite and worship together, its a cool thing.

The reason I went to convo this morning was because Children of the World were performing.

These kids are from countries all over the world and they praise Jesus with such excitement and enthusiasm. Its contagious and I never want to miss them whenever they come to Liberty. 

I was considering leaving after they performed, but decided to stay and I am so glad I did. Gary Haugen, President and CEO of the International Justice Mission was our speaker today and I was so inspired by the things he talked about. 

As Christians, we are quick to ask what God's plan is for how to take care of the people in this world that are victims of injustice. "God you are good," we say, knowing that he is. "So, how are you going to fix all this mess?" 

The answer often takes us aback, because his plan is US. 

He's calling us to fix things. To not just sit back, striving for the American dream and forget about the young girls being sold into sex slavery in India or the victims of the earthquake in Haiti that is already becoming old news. We are called to stop being observers and start being participants. To be moved and moved to action by the suffering of others. To make their pain our pain. 

The apostles of Christ were always so patient to explain to Jesus why they were incapable of taking care of the needs of many, Haugen said. When he told them to feed the multitudes, the explained to the Lord that they only had two fish and five loaves of bread and no money to buy more. There was no way they could feed thousands of men, women and children. But Jesus (being God and all), told them that they could. They should give what they had to him and he would bless there efforts in obedience. They would be able to feed the multitude. 

We should never think we don't have the ability to make a difference and help those who are suffering because we are God's plan to fix this broken world.

faith anyway.

I can't stop reading Paul's letters. I know all Scripture is important, but to me, I just feel like I learn so much from Paul.

2 Corinthians 4:8--We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair.


2 Corinthians 5:7--For we walk by faith, not by sight.

In the past, these verses have never held the same depth of meaning to me that they now do. I have been experiencing an intense spiritual dry spell for nearly a year now and for quite some time was angry at God that he would do this to me. Why ever would he "ignore" my cries? Why would he not want to show me his will or draw close to me? I simply did not understand why the Lord would seemingly turn away from me. But I am beginning to understand.

It is through these things that the Lord teaches us. In order to be refined, we must experience that furnace. Many times, that furnace is a season of brokenness and loneliness. A loneliness that comes from a distance from God. And through that, we must learn to have faith anyway.

It seems like a foreign concept--that God would teach us to trust him by making us sense his distance, because it is so much harder to trust him then. But then, that's just it, isn't it. We have to learn to trust him even when it seems impossible. Even when we don't know what step to take next, we rest in faith.

Elisabeth Elliot wrote an amazing book about her waiting and confusion period before she married Jim Elliot. She did not know what to do or where to go and God was not showing her.

I want to share a few quotes from this book, Passion and Purity:

I found in my Greek New Testament that 1 Peter 5:10 could be translated, "After you have suffered for a while, he himself will mend that which was broken." If all struggles and sufferings were eliminated, the spirit would no more reach maturity than would the child. The Heavenly Father wants to see us grow up.

I began to learn to wait. Patient waiting does not come naturally to most of us, but a great deal is said about it in the Bible. It is an important discipline for anyone who wants to learn to trust.

How long, Lord, must I wait? Never mind, child. Trust Me. 

Wouldn't a mere simple request from God to trust Him be sufficient? Is it absolutely necessary for Him to yank out of sight whatever we most prize, to drag us into spiritual traumas of the severest sort, to strip us naked in the winds of His purifying Spirit in order that we should learn to trust?

I think the most important thing I am learning is that God does not always give us answers. Sometimes he leaves us in absolute uncertainty. That doesn't mean he doesn't have an answer or a will. His agenda is different than ours though and no matter how earnest our hearts and how desirous we are of knowing His will, it is possible that He may choose to make us wait a good long while before He shows us. But in spite of that, as 2 Cor. 4:8 says, be should not be driven to despair.

It would seem like we should never doubt God's love or care for us. After all, he gave his Son to die so that we can live. But, human we are and doubt we do. Especially after you feel like He has been ignoring you for a long period of time. And God knows how much we can bear. The other day, I was so sad about his distance and I was crying in my car asking God didn't he care and didn't he love me. All of the sudden, a rainbow appeared over the road and I knew in my heart it was a sign of God's promise, not just to all creation, but to me personally, that he loved me and had not forgotten about me. As I cried in response asking God, "Really, is that really from you? Do you really still love me?" Another rainbow appeared beside the first. And I know, deep in my heart, that God does indeed love me.

We are all people living our stories.

It has been a long time since I have been this inspired by a book.

As a matter of fact, it has been a long time since I have been this inspired.

I just finished reading A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller, and while I thought Blue Like Jazz would always be my favorite book of his, I believe I was wrong.

A Million Miles has not only given me knew thoughts about my faith but it has changed the way I view my life.

This book was inspired by the making of Blue Like Jazz into a movie. As Miller learned about story and what makes a good one, he began to view life as a story. Thus the ultimate question: Am I living a good story?

I have always been a dreamer and adventurer. You wouldn't know that if you were reading my story for the past few years. This summer I went on a road trip across the country. That was an adventure. But aside from that, my life has been rather deplete of the stuff of good stories, especially in the day to day. I have thought a lot about that, but for me A Million Miles changed my way of thinking on a much deeper level--beyond just seeking out adventure to help make my story more exciting.

I want to make my story more meaningful. I want to cultivate relationships. I want to learn to love in a way that is real. I want to stop expecting other people to fulfill me or to be Jesus, because only then can I learn how to love them just as they are for who they are. I want to be free and open to anything beautiful that I have the opportunity to do. I want to do things that make a difference and leave an impression, whether in one life or in the world as a whole.

I love this from p. 206:

"But I've also let go of the idea things will ever be made perfect, at least while I am walking around on this planet. I've let go of the idea that this life has a climax. I'm trying to be more Danish, I guess. And the thing is, it works. When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you like them for who they are. And when you stop expecting material possessions to complete you, you'd be surprised at how much pleasure you get in material possessions. And when you stop expecting God to end all your troubles you'd be surprised how much you like spending time with God."

As I am writing this, I am realizing that I still have a lot to process after reading this book. And I need to fix my make-up because of the way I was moved to tears as I finished it.

I want to live a better story. I want to create memorable scenes, connect with God and other people, experience incredible moments.

I think everyone should read this book.

Thank you, Donald Miller, for writing this and allowing your experiences and understanding to inspire us all. I hope you are most pleased with having written this book. I am so thankful that you did.

And now I go to live a great story that I can be proud of...