unaware of the world around

They were kissing with the intensity of those who belong to each other, unaware of the world around them.

Every once in awhile, when I am reading a book, a sentence or phrase will strike me and I will find myself thinking about it for days afterwards. Such was the case with this quote from The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafón.

The book is a great one, but it is far from a romantic novel, so perhaps that is why this sentence stood out to me even more. I would fill you in on the context of this sentence, but truly it isn’t important for the sake of this post. If you want to know the story, read the book. You’ll be glad you did.

I haven’t been able to get this sentence out of my mind, so I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means. To me, there is so much depth in those words. In the book, they were the only words used to describe the scene that was taking place, and they were the only words that were needed, because you know, with those words, everything that you need to know—that the two people were deeply in love, but not only that. In addition to being in love, they weren’t distracted from their love. They were focused on it. That is what captured me.

I’ve realized in my life that I’m often distracted from love. In my heart, I am a romantic. I love romance. But in my life, I often find that I don’t live out the romance that is in my heart because I am distracted by practicality. Romance and love are a concept of our souls and regardless of our relationship status, they are vital to each one of us. They are the freedom that we have to live life with passion and adventure, letting the joy of life and the relationships that we have fill us to overwhelming. 

But then why am I so distracted by what needs to be done that I so often fail to “kiss with the intensity of those who belong to each other, unaware of the world around them.” --Or to do anything with abandon, for that matter. 

I didn’t used to be this way. But the responsibilities of life have seemed to overtake the place of love and romance in my life. 

It's funny how something so small reminded me of who I want to be and how I want to live. 

falling in love.

Most girls dream about their wedding days from the time they are young. They wear dress-up veils and imagine how much fun it will be to wear a princess dress and dance the night away with their prince charming. As they get a little older, they may start picking out colors, themes and flowers, even before they meet their one-day husband. I can't deny that some of these plans have colored my thoughts over the years, but the thing I have always dreamed most about is what it would feel like to be in love. To be held in the arms of a man who cherished me and to look into his eyes and know that I never want to live my life without him.

When I met Luke Abare at a John Mayer concert back in the summer of 2007, I had no idea that he would be my dream come true. We barely even talked that night. Then at the end of 2008, we reconnected when we ended up on the same trip to welcome in the new year of 2009 in New York City. The like we felt for each other on that trip was mutual and impossible to ignore and after sharing our first kiss on New Year's Eve, we decided to develop our friendship. Luke went home to Seattle, WA and I went home to Lynchburg, VA. We were on opposite sides of the country and 3 time zones apart, but that didn't stop us from talking every day. Pretty soon, in spite of the distance that separated us, we knew that we cared about each other and wanted to make our relationship official. Luke surprised me by flying to Lynchburg on Valentines Day weekend and asked me to be his girlfriend, to which I enthusiastically said YES. 

In May, I flew to Seattle and spent 2 weeks with Luke and then we packed up his car and drove across the country so he could move to Virginia, go back to school and be in the same place as me. The following 8-9 months definitely taught us a lot about ourselves and each other. We experienced ups and downs in our relationship and there we some times when we weren't sure if we would stay together. But through all of that, we realized something: We loved each other. No matter what happened, nothing changed this, and by March of 2010, we had both shared this fact with each other.

From that day forward, I stopped having questions about whether Luke and I were supposed to be together and I started thinking about how wonderful it would be to spend forever with him. The year and  five months since the expression of our mutual love have been filled with adventure. Luke spent two months in Africa last summer, my niece Evelyn was born in October of '10 and I spent the last three months of the year traversing back and forth between Lynchburg (where Luke was) and Charlotte (where my family and Evelyn were). On January 1st, I left Charlotte for Lakeside, Montana where I spent 5 months in my DTS with YWAM (2 months of which were in India). Those five months were life changing for me and for Luke. And they solidified even more our love for each other.

Two weeks after finishing my DTS and arriving in Seattle, I woke up early one Saturday morning, the eleventh day of June. Luke surprised made me with a breakfast of pancakes with whipped cream and strawberries and we drove to Edmonds to take a ferry across the Puget Sound to Kingston where we planned to drive the 3 hours to Third Beach in LaPush. The day was cloudy, but we talked and laughed and sang along with Broadway tunes for the whole drive. We hiked a mile down to the beach and I was amazed at it's beauty. A 60-foot waterfall cascaded beautifully from the top of a cliff into the ocean and sun-bleached driftwood covered large areas of the shore. Large rocks in the water were covered with starfish of various colors--so many of them! We walked for an hour or so and waded in the water (even though it was cold). We finally stopped for lunch and after I finished my sandwich, the green-eyed boy sitting beside me declared "I want to do something right now. I want to propose." He got down on one knee and reached into his backpack and pulled out a package wrapped in brown paper which he promptly ripped off. He opened the small navy box in side to reveal the most intricate, beautiful, diamond engagement ring that I have ever seen. The words that followed elude me and all I can remember was sitting there with my mouth open in surprise as he asked me to be his wife. The only answer that could come out of my mouth was "yes" and I meant it with all my heart. (You can read the rest of our engagement story at blanzyandabare.ourwedding.com).

From that moment, my heart has been filled with such joy knowing that Luke and I will be together forever. The feeling that I dreamed of as a little girl--knowing that I couldn't live my life without this person--is here. When I look into his eyes, I know Luke will love me forever and I will him. And I couldn't be happier. 

Station Wagons and Wild Montana Skies.

You know how it feels when you are riding in the rear-facing seat in a station wagon and you are watching everything that the driver was driving toward pass behind you? Its a strange perspective because when we are moving, its usually forward (walking, driving, flying) we aren't usually looking behind us.

That's sortof how life is.

Usually I'm just living it--doing the daily things, participating in each minute that goes by, rarely looking back. Of course, there are the moments of nostalgia and memories of days gone by, but I don't really live life looking backward. Lately, however, I feel like I'm going through life in the backseat of a station wagon. I've made a lot of decisions that are majorly life-changing and it feels like I'm walking away from so much of my life and all that it has been and I can't help but look back.

Leaving Lynchburg is strangely hard in its own way. When I came here for college, I always knew I would leave when I finished and the fact that I've been graduated an entire year and I'm still here is a surprise in itself to me. But, Luke is here, so what can I say.

This city, in its own unique way, somehow finds its way into your heart. After months (maybe years) of complaining about the fact that there's nothing to do and the only things open after midnight are Wal-Mart, McDonalds and the Texas Inn, slowly but surely, the awesome things about Lynchburg start to present themselves to you. For example: great hikes (Peaks of Otter, the Blue Ridge Parkway and so many waterfalls & Shenandoah National Park), wonderful people and amazing community, the best two coffee shops ever (The White Hart and The Muse), surprising culture in the downtown area including awesome shops, a record store, farmer's market (regular and green), summertime movies, delicious restaurants. Its a pretty great place if you can manage to get past Wards Road (which isn't horrible, its just not cool).

Of course, Lynchburg has it's drawbacks. I could go into those, but I'm not in the mood. As I'm leaving, all I have are good memories. Nights of driving around in my old car with the sunroof back, blaring music and singing with my friends. Late night runs to Sonic for cheesy fries. So many good times at Liberty in the dorms (including watching through the entire series of Dawson's Creek my freshman year with a bunch of girls on my hall). Finding One Community Church and going to Thursday night small group and meeting people that I really loved and connected with. It's been a good 4 1/2 years in this town and the time has come to say goodbye.

And then there's Charlotte. A place that has been my home for the past 23 years and 5 days. I was born in Presbyterian Hospital, uptown. I spent my entire childhood and teenage years in this city. I love it. It's easier for me to summarize my experience in Lynchburg in a couple of paragraphs. Charlotte holds so much more to me. It holds my whole life.

Ever since I was a little kid, I've always told my family that I was going to leave one day. Not because I didn't like Charlotte, but because my sense of adventure wouldn't allow me to stay. I wrote "The Goals of My Life" back in September of 2007 and included on that list was this:

Go west. “Go west young man.” Or young woman in my case. The west has a call on my heart and I must follow it. My dream is to own land out there with a view of the Rockies in one direction and be able to see for miles in the other. I want horses to ride and I want to be able to see all the stars at night.

So, I am going. I want to go. I'm excited to go. But it's so hard to say goodbye. I keep telling people that it's not the being gone that's so hard. I'll get used to it. I'm going to come visit my friends and family regularly and hopefully they'll come visit me. We'll talk on the phone, use Skype, keep in touch in many ways. No, it's not the being gone that's hard, its the leaving. The saying goodbye to almost all the people I love and the places where I've spent my entire life.

So, on December 13th, I leave Lynchburg. On January 1st, I leave Charlotte. It will be time to say goodbye. And as hard as it is, as much as I know I will cry, I am excited. I can't wait to see what the Lord has for me in Montana, overseas and in Seattle. I am looking forward to experiencing this next chapter of my life and the adventure of it all. I can't wait to see those wild Montana skies and meet the people I'll be spending the next 5 months of my life with. I can't wait to grow closer to my Jesus. I can't wait to see what's next.

Evelyn Bright.

Evelyn Bright Johnson was born on October 1, 2010 at 6:38 p.m. She weighed 8 lbs. 6 oz. and was 21 inches long. She is beautiful.

This beautiful little face has captured my heart.

There is something so perfect and pure about babies that reminds your heart what love is really all about. It is given, not earned. It is not something that you give because of anything the recipient did, does or will do. It just is. I can't help but love Evelyn, and nothing she has ever done has earned my love. She just has it and she always will. 

It is so easy to get caught up in the messiness of relationships and all that complicates them and in the midst of that, forget what makes relationships worth having: pure, unearned, unconditional love. 

I am so thankful for Evelyn--that she made it into this world healthy and safe. I am thankful that she has reminded my heart of the pure feelings of love that have gotten so muddied and unclear. 

I think it is so wonderful how God created life to happen--that we come into this world as little, innocent babies, that we don't start out all messed up. And babies keep coming to remind all of us who have grown up how good of a thing life really is and how much promise there is in it.

Thank you, little Evelyn, for reminding my heart of the goodness of life, love and the God who created it all. I love you.

Babies are such a nice way to start people. 

                                                                                                         -Don Herold

Community.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer once said, "The person who's in love with their vision of community will destroy community. But the person who loves the people around them will create community everywhere they go."

I am blessed to be a part of a great body of believers in the Lynchburg area. We meet downtown in a building on Kemper Street called One Community Center. We sing really moving, meaningful songs led by really talented passionate musicians. We don't have A/C or heat so we get to say we are suffering for Jesus. We have a coffee shop, dance studio and bike/board shop in our building so we are really relevant. We serve coffee and tea on Sunday mornings because its good. We have a wonderful pastor who hears from God and teaches us things that convict our hearts and move us to action. Altogether it's pretty great. The vision of our church, you ask? "Love God, Love People."

I know, I know. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times. It has truly become the mantra of the emerging church. The motto of our generation of Christians. It basically sums up what Jesus said are the two greatest commandments, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and might and love your neighbor as yourself." It sounds great. It is great. But it's becoming one of those phrases grouped together with so many other words and phrases that the modern church is becoming obsessed with and the reality behind them is becoming lost.

Community is becoming a thing that people are talking about and realizing the importance of. If I have to say, I truly believe that next to our relationship with Christ, fostering community is one of, if not the, most important thing we can do. The early Christians in Acts and throughout the New Testament taught us what a beautiful and amazing concept community is. Loving and serving other people. Helping each other survive, both physically and spiritually. We need it. God made us to need it. And for the longest time, the reality of community has been lost in American society.

The idea of success and hard work and climbing the corporate ladder in order to make the most money possible is so engrained into our minds and hearts. Our culture teaches us to look out for ourselves and put our own needs and desires at the forefront of our dreams. And we are taught this is a good thing.

Now, don't get me wrong. I believe if having a good work ethic. I believe that "a workman should be worthy of his pay" as the Scripture teaches. But I don't believe that financial and physical success is why we live life. It isn't the legacy that we should be striving to leave behind. The legacy we should be leaving is one of loving people. Truly loving them with every ounce of our lives. Sacrificing our money and time for others should be a joy rather than a burden that we feel obligated to. Our resources are not our own, but rather they are entrusted to us by God to use in a way that brings glory to him.

So community is important. But as I quoted Bonhoeffer in saying, the idea of community can destroy community. We can't be so caught up in the idea and how its supposed to look or make us feel, but simply we must be intentional about loving people each day, nurturing relationships. We must drive away the cynicism that creeps in telling us that people don't really love us back--that they are going to disappoint us (because they will) because that's not the reason that we do this. We love because it's our highest calling. The greatest ability given to us by God and the strongest force in all the universe.

go confidently in the direction of your dreams.

This past Saturday morning I had the blessing of serving on a judging committee for the "Hero for Life" Scholarship. Four years ago, back in 2006, I was the first recipient of this reward and they had me come back and help judge this year for that reason.

The "Hero for Life" Scholarship is sponsored by Room at the Inn which is a group home in Charlotte that offers support, hope and provision to pregnant women. The scholarship is available to all youth between the ages of 14 and 18 in both North and South Carolina. This year there were 8 entrants, all of which had actively done something for the pro-life cause in order to apply for the $2,000 scholarship. 

Obviously, the award is far more about encouraging young people to be involved in the ongoing crusade for life, but it is always nice to receive a little help when you are facing the monstrosity of college bills as an 18-year-old kid, especially if mommy and daddy aren't paying your way. 

The experience was so meaningful to me because as I read through the applications and saw the passion for life and the love for the innocent that was clearly in the hearts of those young people, I was inspired and reminded of my own passion. 

It's so easy to forget what it feels like to really care about something. Life can continually feed you a stream of monotony so that you forget how amazing it is for your heart to be so moved that you can't help but cry. As I was sitting there in that room, I started to remember my passion. It's not that I had totally forgotten it, it was more just that I forgot what it felt like. I remembered how much I want to help women who are facing unexpected pregnancies and need help--a place to stay, a plan, ... and perhaps most of all, Love. I remembered how much I long to one day hear the words, "This little child is alive because you showed me there was hope." 

One of my favorite quotes was said by Henry David Thoreau. He said, "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined." It is so important for us not to forget are dreams, for they are our gift from God. They give us purpose and a reason to get out of bed and live life. No dream and no passion is too big, too impossible. Keep striving to achieve the dreams in your heart, because even if you never get there, at least your life will have been full. 

and so begins a new school year--without me.

For the past 17 years of my life, each August has brought with it a new school year, new classes, new friends and new books.

This year, for the first time in my life since I was four years old, I will not be starting a new school year. I didn't have a summer vacation and I am not on campus to complain about all the freshman who don't realize that you should probably look both ways before crossing the road.

I have to say that all this leaves me feeling a bit strange. There is nothing in my life providing me with the structure and purpose that school always had. I am employed, but I work from home on my own schedule, which sounds like it would be nice, and at times it is, but it's also weird. I miss the excitement of meeting new friends. I long for a reason to purchase new pens and folders and organize everything for my classes. I know you have every reason to think I am a total geek right now. And you would be right. And in about 2 months when everyone is taking mid-terms and turning in papers, I might be singing a different tune and more than happy for my education to be reading a novel in a coffee shop rather than researching for my honors thesis.

Right now, though, I just can't stop feeling nostalgic that there is a strong possibility that I will never go to school again.

rain.

It's been raining a lot lately here in the Queen City. I have to say, there are not many things quite as great as southern thunderstorms. I love the way the gray clouds roll in filling the sky, the leaves on the trees turn over so the lighter side is more visible, the air gets this wonderful smell, the breeze picks up and the impending doom of the storm to come can last for hours before the heavens finally break loose with their full fury.

A few days ago, one of these storms had been brewing all morning and afternoon. The sound of thunder was getting louder and more frequent and I could see lightning in the distance. I knew it would not be long before the storm was upon us. I decided to sit on the front porch and wait for it.

As the first drops began to fall with intensity I continued to wait until the deluge came. Sure enough, within minutes, you could barely see all the way up the street for the sheets of water pouring forth from those dark clouds. So then I did exactly what I had been waiting to do and I walked out in the rain. And then I ran through our front yard up to the street, splashed through the water pouring down the gutters and held up my hands toward the sky and just let the rain drench me.

I love the rain. I love being the rain. The way this water just pours out of the sky and washes over me. I feel like it's touching more than my body, but my soul too. I feel like the rain washes things away that are inside of me that no amount of showering could even touch. I feel like the God is in the rain. There are parts of God's creation that just make me feel so close to Him. It's like that with the mountains, and especially the ocean. And the rain.

But the rain and the feelings it stirs in my soul, only make me long to have a time like that with Jesus. Where I can just bask in His presence and have his power and love wash over my soul and make me feel refreshed and clean. Nothing can compare to that. Not even a Carolina thunderstorm.

For Dreams To Come

So, in my life, I am going to write a book and get it published. This is the beginning...probably. I wrote this a little over a year ago. It is pretty much the introduction for any real conversation I could have with anyone about life.

March 12, 2007

I don’t even know where to begin. Inside of me, I need to feel free. I have a burning desire to just leave. But not leave to get away; rather leave to get somewhere new. To discover. To find. To be free. Every time I go to the Caribbean, I feel a peace. A peace because the passage of time means nothing there. There are not expectations. Life just is. I don’t want to live my life without purpose. That is not what I am saying. But I want to live my life differently. I don’t want the cookie cutter life where I go to school for 4 years of college, perhaps get my masters, get a good job, get married and have two children, live in the same house, be involved in mother’s groups and book clubs and retire at 65. I want my life to be filled. I want to know that every minute means something, but at the same time every minute doesn’t have to even contain anything that one would deem important. I want to go to Africa and spend time with the people there. I want to get in a car with a friend and drive west until we can’t go any farther and who cares how long it takes. I want to backpack across Europe. I want to live on an island. Better yet, I want to live on a boat. I don’t really know how to completely explain this feeling inside. I just long for the fulfillment that so many never find. I long for that spiritually as well. So many people are caught up in rules and rituals of Western Christianity that they never ever experience the beauty of living a free Christian life where the thing that matters is your relationship with your Creator rather than the things you do. I am so frustrated with the mundane occasionally fun lives that we are expected to live when there is so much MORE. And I won’t settle. I won’t just build dreams and then realize that I can’t do anything about them. I will do it. I will go. I will live. When I do settle down, which I know I will, and I want to—to an extent, I want to live out west. I want land that I can’t see the end of. I want to marry a man who wants the same thing. Who wants to live out this freedom with me. I guess that’s why I have always had a thing for cowboys, because I see in them that desire to go, to leave, to be free and live. They won’t stay and conform. No, I don’t have to marry a cowboy, but yes, I have to marry someone who has the spirit of freedom and adventure. I feel so overwhelmed right now with this dream of being more.