The Medicine Cabinet

Last month, I joined the WritersGathering that my aunt-in-law, Julie Gardner, facilitates each week. I have never participated in any sort of writing group at all, so I had no idea what to expect. It has been wonderful! I've not found such joy in writing in quite awhile and I am realizing how important it is to make time to do the things you love, just for fun.

Each week we have several different writing segments with various prompts. This past week, one of our prompts was "a medicine cabinet" and this is what I wrote. Keep in mind that it is, of course, fiction. In our group, any and all work is considered fiction unless otherwise specified.

The Medicine Cabinet

I never go into a bathroom with the intention to snoop. Oftentimes, I will visit someone’s home and never even use the restroom and I feel no sense of missed opportunity. But when I’m alone in a room filled with personal things with a locked door assuring that I won’t be caught, what reason is there to not look? I’ve learned a lot about people by what is in their medicine cabinet. My Uncle Joe has at least four manicure kits in his, after the discovery of which I always have a heightened awareness of his fingernails. They are always clean and tidy. My friend Maggie is an excessive junk food eater, but her medicine cabinet is stocked with rows of vitamins and supplements—I can’t figure this out and of course I can’t exactly talk to her about it.

So here I was, faced with another medicine cabinet in another home. It was Kevin’s home—a guy I have been interested in for a couple of months now. We have only been casual friends and this is the first time I’ve been invited over. I hesitate after drying off my hands before I pull open the door. Usually, I’m unconcerned with what I will find in these tiny closets, but today I’m suddenly aware that what I find could matter. I shove any feelings of hesitation away and pull open the door. And there, on those little shelves, I find something I’ve never found before: Nothing. Not even a toothbrush. Who has nothing in their medicine cabinet? What does this mean about him? My mind is full of so many questions by this emptiness; questions that I just can’t have answers to. As I leave the bathroom and rejoin my friends I’m surprised by how I can’t stop thinking about that empty medicine cabinet.  A silly thing, I know, but like I said, you can tell a lot about people by what’s in their medicine cabinet.

the same old thing.

There is a man who I see every morning while I sit waiting for my bus. At precisely 7:10 AM, he walks by with his two dogs which appear to be a mix between Dalmatians and Daschunds. He wears a grey sweatsuit and recently started adding a coat as the weather has gotten colder. Every morning I see him and it always makes me think about his life and what it must be like. He seems a creature of habit and I imagine him waking up early, having his morning coffee and reading his paper, changing clothes to be appropriate for different parts of his day--maybe a little reminiscent of Mr. Rogers. And then I start thinking about how my life isn't like that at all. Outside of going to work, there are very few things I do the same every day.

I have always been averse to consistency in my schedule as I almost feel like routine and structure create walls forming a prison of my life. (Extreme, I know, but true to how I feel). But I have started to wonder--is there something to having a routine that creates fulfillment in our lives. It gives us the ability to make sure we make room for all the things that are important to us.

I have always felt as though I lack a certain amount of self-discipline, but maybe what I have really lacked is the desire to schedule my time--including all those"non-required" things that actually do matter and often go by the wayside when time isn't allotted for them--prayer and exercise being two primary examples.

I still fear the inflexibility that routine suggests, and I am nowhere near becoming the next Mr. Rogers, but I am realizing that without this structure, the things that are important to me may never become a consistent part of my life. Maybe its time to start making some little routines (with the disclaimer that they are always adjustable, of course).

unaware of the world around

They were kissing with the intensity of those who belong to each other, unaware of the world around them.

Every once in awhile, when I am reading a book, a sentence or phrase will strike me and I will find myself thinking about it for days afterwards. Such was the case with this quote from The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafón.

The book is a great one, but it is far from a romantic novel, so perhaps that is why this sentence stood out to me even more. I would fill you in on the context of this sentence, but truly it isn’t important for the sake of this post. If you want to know the story, read the book. You’ll be glad you did.

I haven’t been able to get this sentence out of my mind, so I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means. To me, there is so much depth in those words. In the book, they were the only words used to describe the scene that was taking place, and they were the only words that were needed, because you know, with those words, everything that you need to know—that the two people were deeply in love, but not only that. In addition to being in love, they weren’t distracted from their love. They were focused on it. That is what captured me.

I’ve realized in my life that I’m often distracted from love. In my heart, I am a romantic. I love romance. But in my life, I often find that I don’t live out the romance that is in my heart because I am distracted by practicality. Romance and love are a concept of our souls and regardless of our relationship status, they are vital to each one of us. They are the freedom that we have to live life with passion and adventure, letting the joy of life and the relationships that we have fill us to overwhelming. 

But then why am I so distracted by what needs to be done that I so often fail to “kiss with the intensity of those who belong to each other, unaware of the world around them.” --Or to do anything with abandon, for that matter. 

I didn’t used to be this way. But the responsibilities of life have seemed to overtake the place of love and romance in my life. 

It's funny how something so small reminded me of who I want to be and how I want to live. 

The I'm, but generation.

Today I was reading a post on Relevant Magazine's website. In it, author Jon Acuff is quoted as writing "We've become the 'I'm, but' generation... We inevitably say, 'I'm a _____, but I want to be a _____.

This struck a cord with me, as I sit a desk working (sometimes) on menial projects that don't mean anything to me. "I'm an administrative assistant, but I want to be a missionary/humanitarian worker, writer, doula and artist."

Why do we so often end up doing what we do when we want to be doing something different? There are many reasons--and some of them are valid--but so often it's fear. Being afraid to step out in faith. Fear of failure. Fear of financial difficulties. Sometimes, though, we have things like student loans to pay back and we feel the necessity to enter our fields of passion debt-free.

Lately, Luke and I have been talking a lot about doing the things that we love, in spite of the fact that we aren't able to jump on a plane to South Africa in the next few months. We've realized that pursuing our passions is not just a good idea, it's pretty much a necessity to our happiness and contentment in our current phase of life. So instead of just coming home at the end of the day with stories from our boring jobs, we decided to start working toward the things that our hearts yearn for.

Luke loves to fly, but he hasn't been able to afford to sit in a cockpit since April. I have a passion for the babies and women . When we go to Africa, Luke and I both want to utilize these two passions, among others. So at the beginning of the month, Luke ordered a book to study to begin his training to be a flight instructor and I ordered Misconceptions, the first book required for my training to receive my postpartum doula certificate.

I can't tell you how these decisions have changed what our lives are like. Instead of sitting on the couch telling Luke about entering data a surprisingly fast rate, I tell him excitedly how I learned that prenatal amnio tests are dangerous because they often result in the leaking of amniotic fluid and potentially even miscarriages (not to mention they are often wrong, leading parents to think their child has Downs or some other birth defect unnecessarily). See? I love it. And pretty soon, Luke will get to start his training at the airport and get to fly again and it's going to change him, because he loves it.

So, I guess I am writing to encourage everyone that even if you can't go for your "but I want to be a _____" for good reasons right now, still pursue those things your heart loves. It will make you happier and as a result, a better person.

our christmas tree killed itself.

I know, I know. I just wrote a blog the other week about how beneficial waking up in the morning and exercising was to my general life. But then I realized that I was mentally freaking out any time I was going to sleep later than 9:30 and I also realized that since I don't absolutely have to, 4:30am is way too early to wake up. (It's too early to wake up even if you DO have to). So, I've changed things up. I am exercising at night. Given it's impossible for it to be quite as consistent since there are sometimes things going on when I get off work, especially during the Christmas season, but I have realized several benefits to this option. 

• I get to exercise with Luke
• I am more motivated
• I get to sleep until 5:30 or 6am
• I am less stressed about the amount of sleep I am getting

So, this is the way things are going to stay, unless I ever could exercise in the morning and still wake up at 5:30 or 6. 

I'm starting a food journal. Yep, it's starting today. I've learned that a huge part of having discipline is simply being aware of what you are doing. So, if I'm writing down everything that I put in my mouth (even just a bite of cake), I'll be more aware. And I think sometimes I may not eat certain things just because I don't want to have to write them down.

I've also decided to keep a "sentence journal". I got this idea from The Happiness Project (as well as the food journal idea). I've always been a journal keeper, but often I slack off because the prospect of writing seems like something I need a lot of time for. The idea behind a sentence journal is that I can write 1-5 sentences about whatever I want, each day, and I won't feel guilty that I'm not writing more, but at least I am writing something. 

Our Christmas tree killed itself. Ever since we got it the day after Thanksgiving, it has refused to drink water. I hoped it would hold out until Christmas, but by the end of this past week, all the branches were hanging low and it was starting to turn brown. So, we strapped in on the top of our car with twine (and if you have ever seen an unbundled Christmas tree on top of a car, it's quite a site--very Clark Griswold-esque) and took that sucker back where it came from--Lowe's. They gave us a new one. It's not as beautiful as the last one since it's the week before Christmas and the pickins are slim, but it's green and LOVES to drink water, so I love it. 

We went to Leavenworth this past weekend with friends. Leavenworth is a little Bavarian town on the east side of the Cascade Mountains. It was basically a dying town and the city council decided they could save it if they turned it into a little Germany. It's a completely ridiculous place, complete with a classic Bavarian McDonalds, a tiny hill where they have hauled snow in from the mountain (well, some might call it snow--it was more like icy mud) for children to sled on and cheap plastic sleds for $20. My favorite part of the evening was commentating on the ridiculously overpriced Christmas ornaments of angels with no pants on. Also, the bratwursts. 

The Abare's are coming this week. It's going to be a good, old-fashioned Christmas here in Sea-town. 

Merry Christmas, everyone!

the colors of the morning

By the time I get on the 242 from Seattle to Redmond in the mornings, the bus is usually pretty full. Often, the only open seats are in the accordion part of the bus where no one likes to sit (I am pretty sure it would have most people puking within minutes because of the way it moves). Thankfully, I’m not prone to motion sickness, so I usually have two seats to myself, which I really like, because then I am not trying to not slide into someone else when the bus is turning. I hate that. The bad part about sitting in the accordion, though, is that there aren’t windows in that part of the bus, and it’s difficult to see out of the other ones. 

This morning as we were driving across Lake Washington and I was reading my book, I happened to glance up and saw a reflection of orange out of the corner of my eye. I began craning my neck and was finally able to get a pretty decent view of one of the most beautiful sunrises that I have ever seen. It was a fairly cloudy morning, but the clouds were thick and low and as the sun came through them, it created a beautiful orange and hot pink pattern in the sky. That combined with the reflection on the water was absolutely breathtaking. I spent the next five minutes staring out that window. I know it was making the man who I was looking past to see through the window behind him feel uncomfortable as I noticed him awkwardly trying to avoid eye contact, but I really didn’t care. I couldn’t take my eyes away from it. In those moments, I was struck by the phrase from a Phil Wickham’s song, “The colors of the morning are inside your eyes.” That sunset was beautiful and realizing that I worship the God who created it (and is even more beautiful) was a moment of worship in and of itself. 

Whenever I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning, it helps to remember that I might see a sunrise. Sunrises are always worth it. 

there is only love.

I am reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin and in it she addresses happiness—the goals she makes to achieve it, why it is important and why it is not only good for you, but also good for everyone around you, for you to be happy. Each month, Gretchen focuses on different areas of her life that she wants to better—Vitality, Friendship, Attitude…the list goes on. 

In February, she focuses on marriage. Gretchen realizes that she can’t change her husband, but she can change herself. She makes an effort to look past her husband’s faults and focus on his positive attributes. She disciplines herself to be purposefully nice to him. In the midst of the chapter, she recognizes a truth that is quite sad: those we love most, we tend to neglect, take for granted or even fail to treat them with the same courtesy we would treat a stranger. On a quest to better her marriage and be a better wife, Gretchen remembers something a friend once told her: “There is only love.”

A friend of mine was the source of that commandment. She came up with the phrase when she was considering taking a high-pressure job where she’d be working for a notoriously difficult person. The person handling the hiring process told her, “I’m going to be honest with you. John Doe is very effective, but he’s an extremely tough guy to work for. Think hard about whether you want this job.” My friend really wanted the job so she decided, “There is only love.” From that moment on, she refused to think critical thoughts about John Doe; she never complained about him behind his back; she wouldn’t even listen to other people criticize him.…If my friend could do that for her boss, why couldn’t I do it for Jamie [her husband]? Deep down, I had only love for Jamie—but I was allowing too many petty issues to get in the way.

I’m only on the third chapter, but so far this small passage and that tiny little phrase have stood out to me more than anything else. If Gretchen’s friend could do this for her boss and if Gretchen could do it for her husband, why can I not take this phrase and employ it in my life. Why not hold onto that gleaming truth and when I am irritated with the clerk at the store who takes 48 seconds to scan each item? Why not remember love when a friend forgets plans that we made two weeks ago? Or when a customer service agent seems incompetent? These are things I let get under my skin. I can become angry, hurt and most certainly unhappy. Applying this principle, There is only love, seems like simple wisdom in the face of the human tendency to react quickly based on feelings. Instead of letting our feelings guide us, why not guide our feelings. So here is my goal: when someone does something that is frustrating or even hurtful, I will try to remember There is only love.

Fridays, husbands and tomatoes

Today is Friday, and I can’t remember the last time I was so excited for this day. The weekend has so much more meaning now.

I am on the last day of the first traditional, 8am to 5pm, 40-hour work week that I have had in who knows how long. I have been blessed for years to have an incredibly flexible work schedule and it is a huge adjustment to not have that luxury. I have so little personal time to do all the things that I want to do and so to maximize my time I have been waking up between 4:30 and 5:30am to workout, eat breakfast and get ready for work. I never thought I would make those unspeakable early morning hours a regular part of my life, but they now are and will be for a long time. Getting up so early means going to bed by 9:30 or 10pm, so that’s weird also, considering my history of 1am bedtimes.

One would think that waking up early to work out would make me more tired (the double whammy of less sleep and vigorous exercise), but the opposite is true. Pulling myself out of bed never fails to be hard, but once I am up I feel quite energetic (only to go sit at a desk all day…). In fact, this morning, I decided to sleep in till 7am (I catch my bus at 7:34) because it’s Friday and I know I will be up late tonight. I was hoping I would feel more rested by an extra hour and a half of sleep, but instead I felt far more groggy on my ride to work. So the getting up early and the exercise certainly are worth it (and I have lost 2 lbs.)

Marriage is pretty great. I seriously couldn’t have asked for a better husband. Luke and I work so well together in every area from decision making to cleaning the house. He is wonderful and my perfect match. The upside/downside of marriage is that, loving to cook, I have been taking advantage of having an eager recipient of my food and concocting all sorts of delicious (and usually fattening) meals. And it was starting to show up around the hips. So, this week has been full of salads, wraps and other less-fattening foods. Except last night we had pizza and Dr. Pepper…so… (but the pizza was homemade with whole wheat crust, so that’s better than Dominoes).

In other news, Congress decided that Pizza is a vegetable. Because of the tomato paste. Tomatoes are technically a fruit, but that’s beside the point.

falling in love.

Most girls dream about their wedding days from the time they are young. They wear dress-up veils and imagine how much fun it will be to wear a princess dress and dance the night away with their prince charming. As they get a little older, they may start picking out colors, themes and flowers, even before they meet their one-day husband. I can't deny that some of these plans have colored my thoughts over the years, but the thing I have always dreamed most about is what it would feel like to be in love. To be held in the arms of a man who cherished me and to look into his eyes and know that I never want to live my life without him.

When I met Luke Abare at a John Mayer concert back in the summer of 2007, I had no idea that he would be my dream come true. We barely even talked that night. Then at the end of 2008, we reconnected when we ended up on the same trip to welcome in the new year of 2009 in New York City. The like we felt for each other on that trip was mutual and impossible to ignore and after sharing our first kiss on New Year's Eve, we decided to develop our friendship. Luke went home to Seattle, WA and I went home to Lynchburg, VA. We were on opposite sides of the country and 3 time zones apart, but that didn't stop us from talking every day. Pretty soon, in spite of the distance that separated us, we knew that we cared about each other and wanted to make our relationship official. Luke surprised me by flying to Lynchburg on Valentines Day weekend and asked me to be his girlfriend, to which I enthusiastically said YES. 

In May, I flew to Seattle and spent 2 weeks with Luke and then we packed up his car and drove across the country so he could move to Virginia, go back to school and be in the same place as me. The following 8-9 months definitely taught us a lot about ourselves and each other. We experienced ups and downs in our relationship and there we some times when we weren't sure if we would stay together. But through all of that, we realized something: We loved each other. No matter what happened, nothing changed this, and by March of 2010, we had both shared this fact with each other.

From that day forward, I stopped having questions about whether Luke and I were supposed to be together and I started thinking about how wonderful it would be to spend forever with him. The year and  five months since the expression of our mutual love have been filled with adventure. Luke spent two months in Africa last summer, my niece Evelyn was born in October of '10 and I spent the last three months of the year traversing back and forth between Lynchburg (where Luke was) and Charlotte (where my family and Evelyn were). On January 1st, I left Charlotte for Lakeside, Montana where I spent 5 months in my DTS with YWAM (2 months of which were in India). Those five months were life changing for me and for Luke. And they solidified even more our love for each other.

Two weeks after finishing my DTS and arriving in Seattle, I woke up early one Saturday morning, the eleventh day of June. Luke surprised made me with a breakfast of pancakes with whipped cream and strawberries and we drove to Edmonds to take a ferry across the Puget Sound to Kingston where we planned to drive the 3 hours to Third Beach in LaPush. The day was cloudy, but we talked and laughed and sang along with Broadway tunes for the whole drive. We hiked a mile down to the beach and I was amazed at it's beauty. A 60-foot waterfall cascaded beautifully from the top of a cliff into the ocean and sun-bleached driftwood covered large areas of the shore. Large rocks in the water were covered with starfish of various colors--so many of them! We walked for an hour or so and waded in the water (even though it was cold). We finally stopped for lunch and after I finished my sandwich, the green-eyed boy sitting beside me declared "I want to do something right now. I want to propose." He got down on one knee and reached into his backpack and pulled out a package wrapped in brown paper which he promptly ripped off. He opened the small navy box in side to reveal the most intricate, beautiful, diamond engagement ring that I have ever seen. The words that followed elude me and all I can remember was sitting there with my mouth open in surprise as he asked me to be his wife. The only answer that could come out of my mouth was "yes" and I meant it with all my heart. (You can read the rest of our engagement story at blanzyandabare.ourwedding.com).

From that moment, my heart has been filled with such joy knowing that Luke and I will be together forever. The feeling that I dreamed of as a little girl--knowing that I couldn't live my life without this person--is here. When I look into his eyes, I know Luke will love me forever and I will him. And I couldn't be happier. 

Station Wagons and Wild Montana Skies.

You know how it feels when you are riding in the rear-facing seat in a station wagon and you are watching everything that the driver was driving toward pass behind you? Its a strange perspective because when we are moving, its usually forward (walking, driving, flying) we aren't usually looking behind us.

That's sortof how life is.

Usually I'm just living it--doing the daily things, participating in each minute that goes by, rarely looking back. Of course, there are the moments of nostalgia and memories of days gone by, but I don't really live life looking backward. Lately, however, I feel like I'm going through life in the backseat of a station wagon. I've made a lot of decisions that are majorly life-changing and it feels like I'm walking away from so much of my life and all that it has been and I can't help but look back.

Leaving Lynchburg is strangely hard in its own way. When I came here for college, I always knew I would leave when I finished and the fact that I've been graduated an entire year and I'm still here is a surprise in itself to me. But, Luke is here, so what can I say.

This city, in its own unique way, somehow finds its way into your heart. After months (maybe years) of complaining about the fact that there's nothing to do and the only things open after midnight are Wal-Mart, McDonalds and the Texas Inn, slowly but surely, the awesome things about Lynchburg start to present themselves to you. For example: great hikes (Peaks of Otter, the Blue Ridge Parkway and so many waterfalls & Shenandoah National Park), wonderful people and amazing community, the best two coffee shops ever (The White Hart and The Muse), surprising culture in the downtown area including awesome shops, a record store, farmer's market (regular and green), summertime movies, delicious restaurants. Its a pretty great place if you can manage to get past Wards Road (which isn't horrible, its just not cool).

Of course, Lynchburg has it's drawbacks. I could go into those, but I'm not in the mood. As I'm leaving, all I have are good memories. Nights of driving around in my old car with the sunroof back, blaring music and singing with my friends. Late night runs to Sonic for cheesy fries. So many good times at Liberty in the dorms (including watching through the entire series of Dawson's Creek my freshman year with a bunch of girls on my hall). Finding One Community Church and going to Thursday night small group and meeting people that I really loved and connected with. It's been a good 4 1/2 years in this town and the time has come to say goodbye.

And then there's Charlotte. A place that has been my home for the past 23 years and 5 days. I was born in Presbyterian Hospital, uptown. I spent my entire childhood and teenage years in this city. I love it. It's easier for me to summarize my experience in Lynchburg in a couple of paragraphs. Charlotte holds so much more to me. It holds my whole life.

Ever since I was a little kid, I've always told my family that I was going to leave one day. Not because I didn't like Charlotte, but because my sense of adventure wouldn't allow me to stay. I wrote "The Goals of My Life" back in September of 2007 and included on that list was this:

Go west. “Go west young man.” Or young woman in my case. The west has a call on my heart and I must follow it. My dream is to own land out there with a view of the Rockies in one direction and be able to see for miles in the other. I want horses to ride and I want to be able to see all the stars at night.

So, I am going. I want to go. I'm excited to go. But it's so hard to say goodbye. I keep telling people that it's not the being gone that's so hard. I'll get used to it. I'm going to come visit my friends and family regularly and hopefully they'll come visit me. We'll talk on the phone, use Skype, keep in touch in many ways. No, it's not the being gone that's hard, its the leaving. The saying goodbye to almost all the people I love and the places where I've spent my entire life.

So, on December 13th, I leave Lynchburg. On January 1st, I leave Charlotte. It will be time to say goodbye. And as hard as it is, as much as I know I will cry, I am excited. I can't wait to see what the Lord has for me in Montana, overseas and in Seattle. I am looking forward to experiencing this next chapter of my life and the adventure of it all. I can't wait to see those wild Montana skies and meet the people I'll be spending the next 5 months of my life with. I can't wait to grow closer to my Jesus. I can't wait to see what's next.

Evelyn Bright.

Evelyn Bright Johnson was born on October 1, 2010 at 6:38 p.m. She weighed 8 lbs. 6 oz. and was 21 inches long. She is beautiful.

This beautiful little face has captured my heart.

There is something so perfect and pure about babies that reminds your heart what love is really all about. It is given, not earned. It is not something that you give because of anything the recipient did, does or will do. It just is. I can't help but love Evelyn, and nothing she has ever done has earned my love. She just has it and she always will. 

It is so easy to get caught up in the messiness of relationships and all that complicates them and in the midst of that, forget what makes relationships worth having: pure, unearned, unconditional love. 

I am so thankful for Evelyn--that she made it into this world healthy and safe. I am thankful that she has reminded my heart of the pure feelings of love that have gotten so muddied and unclear. 

I think it is so wonderful how God created life to happen--that we come into this world as little, innocent babies, that we don't start out all messed up. And babies keep coming to remind all of us who have grown up how good of a thing life really is and how much promise there is in it.

Thank you, little Evelyn, for reminding my heart of the goodness of life, love and the God who created it all. I love you.

Babies are such a nice way to start people. 

                                                                                                         -Don Herold

my food dilemma.

I love Dr. Pepper. Seriously. It might be hard to tell you in words how excited I get when I pull into a Chick-Fil-A drive-thru and order a large Dr. Pepper with light ice and how delicious that first gulp is. I love Chick-Fil-A Dr. Pepper the most because CFA's styrofoam cups retain the carbonation the best. I love the way it burns and tingles in my mouth and throat as it goes down and the taste is incomparable. I know you may think I am being dramatic, and I may be--just a little. But seriously, I love Dr. Pepper.

I've never been a huge fan of McDonald's or Burger King. The meat, while good, just had too much of a questionable texture and taste. So these two fast-food chains have never been big traps for me. But I love Chick-Fil-A. I worked there for 3 years and ate their food almost every day. It's the best. Its all I can do to say no when its available.

So, now you know my downfalls. When it comes to food and nutrition, I want to be healthy. I like eating healthy food, I like to go to farmers markets and natural/organic restaurants. Its generally not incredibly hard for me to make good eating choices, but these two things are my vices and they ruin almost every attempt I make to be healthy.

I am just going to get over myself and share something with you. When I came to Liberty University over 4 years ago, I weighed about 135 lbs. Now, almost a year after I graduated, I weigh 170 lbs. at 5' 6". That is too much and there is no excuse. Obesity related illnesses are one of the leading causes of death in the U.S. We are the fattest nation in the world. Thankfully, while my metabolism isn't the best, it also isn't the worst, and the number of calories I intake haven't resulted in a massive obesity problem. But that still doesn't mean I'm healthy. And I'm still overweight.

While I have a lot of health-conscious people in my life, and I myself care a good deal about being healthy, I am really starting to gain so much motivation. I have been reading lots of articles and blogs lately about how to achieve my goals, cutting out healthy recipes and exercise tips in magazines and keeping a little "stickie" on my Macbook desktop with important health/nutrition points for me to remember. (For some really great guidance on being healthy, check out a friend of mine's site: www.puregoodness.com). Then, tonight, Luke and I rented Food Inc. and I have just been watching the movie Super Size Me that came out back in 2004. These movies have really heightened my sense of awareness about just how awful so many things that we put into our bodies are.

I think the biggest thing for me to overcome are the positive thoughts and memories that come with so many foods that are so bad for us. I mean, just the other day Luke and I were walking out of Food Lion and there was a display of General Mills cereals by the door, 2/$3. I pointed to the Lucky Charms and said "Oh, I love Lucky Charms! It was always my favorite cereal. Look, its on sale...should I get some?" Thankfully, I opted out. In reality, I don't even really love Lucky Charms. I actually prefer in taste my delicious Cascadian Farms organic Cinnamon Raisin Granola cereal, which is much healthier, but looking at the box of Lucky Charms and the idea of eating it makes me feel like a kid again. The idea of getting to stop at a fast food restaurant is an exciting prospect. Stocking up on all the treats (that my mom rarely bought) in the snack food isle at the grocery store is so much fun. There's something about walking through the grocery store, now as an adult, and putting whatever I want in the cart. I could never do that as a kid. Its like a sense of entitlement and something I don't want to give up. I wish I could put into words all the feelings that all these foods and drinks evoke. The feelings that companies spend all those advertising dollars to achieve. It all worked.

Now, it's my task, to care more about feeling good than having "good feelings". I want to put things in my body that increase energy levels, provide me the proper nutrients and vitamins that I need and don't cause health problems down the road--maybe even sooner than later. I even want to make sure that the things I am buying more than just look healthy (like a tomato in the produce section that may have been shipped while still green from halfway around the world and ripened with chemical gasses) but that they actually are healthy. I want to buy fruits and vegetables that are grown locally without pesticides. I want to purchase free-range chickens and grass-fed beef. I want to support farmers that produce foods in healthy ways. Most importantly, I want to do all this before its too late and I want to create healthy habits that I can pass on to my own kids one day so that they can be healthy too.

Community.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer once said, "The person who's in love with their vision of community will destroy community. But the person who loves the people around them will create community everywhere they go."

I am blessed to be a part of a great body of believers in the Lynchburg area. We meet downtown in a building on Kemper Street called One Community Center. We sing really moving, meaningful songs led by really talented passionate musicians. We don't have A/C or heat so we get to say we are suffering for Jesus. We have a coffee shop, dance studio and bike/board shop in our building so we are really relevant. We serve coffee and tea on Sunday mornings because its good. We have a wonderful pastor who hears from God and teaches us things that convict our hearts and move us to action. Altogether it's pretty great. The vision of our church, you ask? "Love God, Love People."

I know, I know. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times. It has truly become the mantra of the emerging church. The motto of our generation of Christians. It basically sums up what Jesus said are the two greatest commandments, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and might and love your neighbor as yourself." It sounds great. It is great. But it's becoming one of those phrases grouped together with so many other words and phrases that the modern church is becoming obsessed with and the reality behind them is becoming lost.

Community is becoming a thing that people are talking about and realizing the importance of. If I have to say, I truly believe that next to our relationship with Christ, fostering community is one of, if not the, most important thing we can do. The early Christians in Acts and throughout the New Testament taught us what a beautiful and amazing concept community is. Loving and serving other people. Helping each other survive, both physically and spiritually. We need it. God made us to need it. And for the longest time, the reality of community has been lost in American society.

The idea of success and hard work and climbing the corporate ladder in order to make the most money possible is so engrained into our minds and hearts. Our culture teaches us to look out for ourselves and put our own needs and desires at the forefront of our dreams. And we are taught this is a good thing.

Now, don't get me wrong. I believe if having a good work ethic. I believe that "a workman should be worthy of his pay" as the Scripture teaches. But I don't believe that financial and physical success is why we live life. It isn't the legacy that we should be striving to leave behind. The legacy we should be leaving is one of loving people. Truly loving them with every ounce of our lives. Sacrificing our money and time for others should be a joy rather than a burden that we feel obligated to. Our resources are not our own, but rather they are entrusted to us by God to use in a way that brings glory to him.

So community is important. But as I quoted Bonhoeffer in saying, the idea of community can destroy community. We can't be so caught up in the idea and how its supposed to look or make us feel, but simply we must be intentional about loving people each day, nurturing relationships. We must drive away the cynicism that creeps in telling us that people don't really love us back--that they are going to disappoint us (because they will) because that's not the reason that we do this. We love because it's our highest calling. The greatest ability given to us by God and the strongest force in all the universe.

go confidently in the direction of your dreams.

This past Saturday morning I had the blessing of serving on a judging committee for the "Hero for Life" Scholarship. Four years ago, back in 2006, I was the first recipient of this reward and they had me come back and help judge this year for that reason.

The "Hero for Life" Scholarship is sponsored by Room at the Inn which is a group home in Charlotte that offers support, hope and provision to pregnant women. The scholarship is available to all youth between the ages of 14 and 18 in both North and South Carolina. This year there were 8 entrants, all of which had actively done something for the pro-life cause in order to apply for the $2,000 scholarship. 

Obviously, the award is far more about encouraging young people to be involved in the ongoing crusade for life, but it is always nice to receive a little help when you are facing the monstrosity of college bills as an 18-year-old kid, especially if mommy and daddy aren't paying your way. 

The experience was so meaningful to me because as I read through the applications and saw the passion for life and the love for the innocent that was clearly in the hearts of those young people, I was inspired and reminded of my own passion. 

It's so easy to forget what it feels like to really care about something. Life can continually feed you a stream of monotony so that you forget how amazing it is for your heart to be so moved that you can't help but cry. As I was sitting there in that room, I started to remember my passion. It's not that I had totally forgotten it, it was more just that I forgot what it felt like. I remembered how much I want to help women who are facing unexpected pregnancies and need help--a place to stay, a plan, ... and perhaps most of all, Love. I remembered how much I long to one day hear the words, "This little child is alive because you showed me there was hope." 

One of my favorite quotes was said by Henry David Thoreau. He said, "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined." It is so important for us not to forget are dreams, for they are our gift from God. They give us purpose and a reason to get out of bed and live life. No dream and no passion is too big, too impossible. Keep striving to achieve the dreams in your heart, because even if you never get there, at least your life will have been full. 

and so begins a new school year--without me.

For the past 17 years of my life, each August has brought with it a new school year, new classes, new friends and new books.

This year, for the first time in my life since I was four years old, I will not be starting a new school year. I didn't have a summer vacation and I am not on campus to complain about all the freshman who don't realize that you should probably look both ways before crossing the road.

I have to say that all this leaves me feeling a bit strange. There is nothing in my life providing me with the structure and purpose that school always had. I am employed, but I work from home on my own schedule, which sounds like it would be nice, and at times it is, but it's also weird. I miss the excitement of meeting new friends. I long for a reason to purchase new pens and folders and organize everything for my classes. I know you have every reason to think I am a total geek right now. And you would be right. And in about 2 months when everyone is taking mid-terms and turning in papers, I might be singing a different tune and more than happy for my education to be reading a novel in a coffee shop rather than researching for my honors thesis.

Right now, though, I just can't stop feeling nostalgic that there is a strong possibility that I will never go to school again.

rain.

It's been raining a lot lately here in the Queen City. I have to say, there are not many things quite as great as southern thunderstorms. I love the way the gray clouds roll in filling the sky, the leaves on the trees turn over so the lighter side is more visible, the air gets this wonderful smell, the breeze picks up and the impending doom of the storm to come can last for hours before the heavens finally break loose with their full fury.

A few days ago, one of these storms had been brewing all morning and afternoon. The sound of thunder was getting louder and more frequent and I could see lightning in the distance. I knew it would not be long before the storm was upon us. I decided to sit on the front porch and wait for it.

As the first drops began to fall with intensity I continued to wait until the deluge came. Sure enough, within minutes, you could barely see all the way up the street for the sheets of water pouring forth from those dark clouds. So then I did exactly what I had been waiting to do and I walked out in the rain. And then I ran through our front yard up to the street, splashed through the water pouring down the gutters and held up my hands toward the sky and just let the rain drench me.

I love the rain. I love being the rain. The way this water just pours out of the sky and washes over me. I feel like it's touching more than my body, but my soul too. I feel like the rain washes things away that are inside of me that no amount of showering could even touch. I feel like the God is in the rain. There are parts of God's creation that just make me feel so close to Him. It's like that with the mountains, and especially the ocean. And the rain.

But the rain and the feelings it stirs in my soul, only make me long to have a time like that with Jesus. Where I can just bask in His presence and have his power and love wash over my soul and make me feel refreshed and clean. Nothing can compare to that. Not even a Carolina thunderstorm.

A Mary in a Martha World

A Mary in a Martha World

Wait…is that the name of a book?

Luke 10:38-42 –

38 Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. 39 And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. 40 But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me." 41 But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, 42 but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."

You know how you can read one passage of scripture a thousand times in your life and then still get something new out of it? That’s the amazing thing about God’s word—it doesn’t return void.

To be honest, I often find myself being a Martha. I am running around with a million things to do—none of them bad, necessarily, but it’s all just stuff. But, in my heart, I am a Mary. The only time I am truly happy and content is when I am able to pull away from the distractions that make up our lives and bask in the presence of Jesus.

I think Jesus’ love language is quality time. He makes it so clear how much he wants us to stop and just be with him. That is the reality of what worship is—just spending time with God, loving Him.

At times I feel a bit frustrated with myself because I can’t seem to be satisfied with any job I get—its never fulfilling enough. I brush it off and just say I’m a free spirit and wanderlust and can’t handle the monotony of a traditional job. The reality behind those words is that I want to spend my life like a Mary, at the feet of Jesus, serving Him, loving Him through all I do. There’s a time to be a Martha. There has to be. Things need to get done. But being a Mary is so much more fun.

living life loving others.

I've really been thinking a lot lately about the reality of living for God and others. Thinking about myself and my needs is so natural that I barely realize I am doing it, but I do--most of us do--all the time. We are constantly encouraged to "do what's best for you" and "you have to take care of yourself" and while there is some truth in these statements, it is part of our human nature to do these things and we need to focus on serving and giving and dying to ourselves.

I wrote that on my hand--Die to yourself--this week. I want to make it my goal to consciously make my decisions based on Jesus and his love for people. It's tough. But when you are able to give and serve and love, it is so unbelievably refreshing.

I spent the greater part of last year struggling in my relationship with Jesus and in my life in general. I was down and frustrated with the Lord and myself and had a really difficult time. These feelings caused me to wake up every morning thinking about how I could feel better. I lived each day thinking about what lifted my spirits and made me comfortable. I went from enjoying life, loving it because it's a gift from God and making the most of it, to using it. Basically, I made life a prostitute and sought merely to get out of it whatever I could that would make me feel good without giving anything meaningful in return. Using life in that way made it so much less good on so many levels. Honestly, I really don't fully understand the complexity of why this happened in my heart and mind, but it did. While it wasn't good, I have learned so much from that time about how living life for me just plain sucks.

"And I think that's what our world is desperately in need of - lovers, people who are building deep, genuine relationships with fellow strugglers along the way, and who actually know the faces of the people behind the issues they are concerned about."
— Shane Claiborne

Justice for all.

I went to convocation at Liberty today for the first time this semester. It feels funny sometimes going to events for students now that I'm graduated, but it's nice to go back for things like convo sometimes because it reminds me of the things I loved about Liberty. Sitting in the Vines Center with thousands of college kids from all of the United States, and for that matter, all over the world, as we unite and worship together, its a cool thing.

The reason I went to convo this morning was because Children of the World were performing.

These kids are from countries all over the world and they praise Jesus with such excitement and enthusiasm. Its contagious and I never want to miss them whenever they come to Liberty. 

I was considering leaving after they performed, but decided to stay and I am so glad I did. Gary Haugen, President and CEO of the International Justice Mission was our speaker today and I was so inspired by the things he talked about. 

As Christians, we are quick to ask what God's plan is for how to take care of the people in this world that are victims of injustice. "God you are good," we say, knowing that he is. "So, how are you going to fix all this mess?" 

The answer often takes us aback, because his plan is US. 

He's calling us to fix things. To not just sit back, striving for the American dream and forget about the young girls being sold into sex slavery in India or the victims of the earthquake in Haiti that is already becoming old news. We are called to stop being observers and start being participants. To be moved and moved to action by the suffering of others. To make their pain our pain. 

The apostles of Christ were always so patient to explain to Jesus why they were incapable of taking care of the needs of many, Haugen said. When he told them to feed the multitudes, the explained to the Lord that they only had two fish and five loaves of bread and no money to buy more. There was no way they could feed thousands of men, women and children. But Jesus (being God and all), told them that they could. They should give what they had to him and he would bless there efforts in obedience. They would be able to feed the multitude. 

We should never think we don't have the ability to make a difference and help those who are suffering because we are God's plan to fix this broken world.